An Etiquette Guide for Naughty Toddlers

I have read a lot of good—and not-so-good—books, but Liana Frey’s An Etiquette Guide for Naughty Toddlers just might be the best I’ve ever encountered. Frey is a brilliant writer, a clever wit, and has excellent insights into all things toddler.

Naughty Toddlers is part-how-to-manual-part-memoir as Frey recounts the years she spent teaching three-year-old children in a Christian Sunday School class. I look forward to applying a few of her tips and techniques with my own naughty nieces and nephew. Here are a few of the most effective:

• To keep toddlers in their seats, suggest they pretend their bums are glued to their chairs. When this fails, glue bums to chairs. Gorilla Glue has a remarkable, long-lasting grip.

• During “potty breaks,” make sure toddler bums are completely submerged in the toilet bowl. Anything less than complete submersion will result in pee-soaked shoes, trousers, and legs (of both toddlers and adults).
  

• Never provide toddlers with refreshment of any kind, including (but not limited to) candy, cakes, and miniature zucchinis. Such snacks raise toddlers’ expectations, and they will demand food at all times, particularly during the breakfast, lunch, and dinner hours. In order to prevent spoilage, toddlers should learn at an early age to provide nourishment for themselves.
  

• Check with your local farm or ranch for branding and castration periods because the best cure for naughty toddlers is manual labor. Outdoor activity, fresh air, and hands-on experience with branding irons, burning coals, band castrators, and scrotal tape develops healthy, hardy, and obedient children.

Unfortunately, this book is not yet available in bookstores due to Frey’s ongoing investigation by social services. However, a donation to Book Rater’s Literature Reviews can secure you a copy directly from the author. I accept PayPal, personal checks, and money orders.

Happy April 1^st.